.

            Sometimes, I get so involved in the lives of others that I forget how to live on my own.  I share my hurts with my friends, but I forget to let myself actually feel them, to just sit still and breathe and acknowledge that yes, this hurts.  Very much, in fact.  But that’s okay.  That hurt means I’m alive and it means that I had something that I cared about enough to miss.  And I’m lucky because not everyone ever has something that important to lose.

            I need to learn to be my own person, even when I’d rather be have someone else around.  I need to realize that it’s okay to be in my own headspace sometimes.  I don’t need another voice around at all times to tell me I’m okay.  I’m making that time for me to be alone.  Well, alone with Taylor Swift and Ben and Jerry.  Hey, a girl has to have her ways of coping, right?

            I filmed a music video tonight.  I am so very, very proud of it.  It’s a song that I put a lot of emotion into and the video was emotionally difficult to film.  I was talking to my friend Melanie a while back about how sometimes, when a relationship (romantic or just a friendship) ends badly, often it feels like so many things related to that relationship are tainted.

            The song I filmed the video for today explored this idea both metaphorically and very, very literally.  In order to film, I spent four hours wandering a place which I last visited a few weeks ago.  I visited it with someone who used to mean the world to me and is now just a hollow, sad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It hurt to see the exact bench in the T station we sat on, the stand where we bought something to eat.

            But it was also a way of reclaiming what’s mine.  I went to every place I’d spent time in and visited it anew.  I scoured the old memories and replaced them with ones of me laughing, playing music with a new friend.  It helped regain some measure of control.

            Now I’m doing that with a lot of my life.  I’m making memories that are mine, that can’t be tainted by anyone else.  It sounds overdramatic and self important, but right now that’s what I need.

[What I mean to say is, if you are wondering where I am, I love you all and I’ll be back soon]

Comments

  1. Nicci WeasleyOctober 18, 2011 at 11:45 AM

    It's brilliant that you're doing that for yourself. I think you're strong!
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nicci WeasleyOctober 18, 2011 at 11:46 AM

    Oh, and the song is beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  3. MemphisVinnyOctober 27, 2011 at 3:34 AM

    Hey Amanda,

    I wanted to thank you for sharing this, it really spoke to me. I read while listening to your song and then went back and watched the video, listening again.
    You have articulated how much can be effected when someone leaves your life (especially when things end badly) exceptionally well. I've been through that before, and am dealing with it now, having had a friendship recently come to an end. I must say that there was something profound about reading the words of someone else so perfectly describing my own experience.

    I could go on, but instead I'll just say thank you :-)

    ReplyDelete

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